My Journey in the Lab
NISHTHA
The artwork depicts the interaction of me as an individual with the laboratory where I did my PhD as symbolic entities. The lab includes the people, the atmosphere, the legacy of knowledge it has acquired, resources and the 'personality' of the lab as a whole. Different colours are used to signify various aspects in both me and the lab.
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The parts on the left represent me, while the lab/ lab environment is on the right.
Starts when I was an outsider (1) to when I was inside, and now I am out again (6).
In the beginning, as an outsider, I saw the lab as a wholesome unit, with confidence in my own knowledge and ability to learn, as well as the perception that the lab has substantial rigour, fairness, and knowledge of its own- like a common well from which we all get to drink equally; the environment seems jovial and helpful.
The sense of self or identity of both are depicted in violet/ purple.
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The brown surrounding the violet in some places is a murkiness of the identity - where we do not know the real from the perceived.
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Yellow is for the joy (of doing research & also in general).
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Pink is for the health of relationships, the presence of a 'love', of belonging.
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Light Green is for helping each other prosper, and taking the lab forward.
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Dark Green is for jealousy, distrust.
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Red is for rage, aggression and "othering".
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Black depicts toxicity and bad behavior.
When I joined the lab, the interactions were jovial at first, but the know-how of the daily ropes seemed to be inaccessible, or behind a wall (the brown guarding the violet on right). Nonetheless, I kept approaching with openness, giving and being willing to receive help.
But the more I interacted, the more I was met with jealousy, abuse, breaking my confidence, leaving me with a dwindling sense of self (violet ball gets smaller), and the joy of doing research stripped off.
Witnessing the toxicity, I feel isolated and cornered, unable to decide how to behave, what to do. I was not one of them. Confusion all around, I feel like I don't even know myself properly, freeze state - unable to act on anything, getting engulfed and deeply affected by the lab environment & people.
The toxicity continues to consume me, I try to fight and maintain my self-identity in the midst of the storm, mostly helpless, except for expensive therapy.
Now I am outside of the lab, still trying to find myself, trying to feel joy again, to trust people again. Though I am an outsider again, I know the reality of the lab, and now keep away from its influences.
All illustrations by Nishtha
About Nishtha
Nishtha Bhargava is a life science researcher exploring ways to communicate science to the public. She left a permanent job in a public sector bank to pursue a doctorate in life science. Through the course of her PhD it became clear to her that she has a knack for making scientific concepts easy to understand, which she put to use in outreach activities on campus, and then, in writing. She supports equal rights, inclusivity, diversity and good mental health practices, believing that empathy-driven rigorous science has the power to change the world.
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