I am a researcher, not a scientist
ALKA
Image by Artem Podrez on Pexels
To my little self,
I am recalling that night, on March 22, 2019, at 12:00 AM, you are going through a difficult time. You feel as though you don't deserve to live, the universe is against you, and constantly in a loop you are having thoughts of your complicated sexuality, and your debt to your father and brothers. And the fact that you are unable to fulfil your promise to your mother to enrol in the Cancer Institute Ahmedabad.
​
I am aware that you are crying right now, feeling helpless and confined to your body, and unable to communicate your feelings to anyone.
I promise I understand you. I sense that you are passionate about researching cancer and that you want to be with someone you like. I can appreciate your desire to leave this utterly right-wing university and live in freedom. I understand that you might not believe me, but that's okay. I'll wait for a genuine smile from you instead of the ones you constantly put on. Alka, you are doing fantastic, and as you become older, I feel like we are closer to each other.
Now please allow me to get to the point of interest, which is this: as you say, "Why waste time when you don't know what will happen next?" I understand that you miss lunch every day to study more, but that is something you can avoid. In order to be a good researcher—not a scientist—you must take better care of your health; if you don't, you will get sick and be unable to conduct research. So, keep up the good work, and don't let anyone else define you.
​
​And certainly, as I already stated, I am aware of your past failures. Don't allow these obstacles to stand in your way; instead, work harder on your preparation and apply for entrance tests like JNU and IIT-JAM. It's also crucial to let others know about you. You may be wondering how you will manage, but don't worry—you'll do fantastic. Numerous others, including friends, relatives, teachers, and strangers, may obstruct your path, discrediting you and making you feel unworthy. However, you must remain resilient and demonstrate your competence as a researcher and your moral principles, which define who you are.
If you've noticed, I always use the word "researcher" instead of "scientist." This is because you have been misinterpreting these terms since you were young. I want to clarify that a researcher can work in any field of knowledge, but a scientist is a type of researcher who studies science. Don't forget the statement made by your communication teacher: “You are a gem.” You can become an expert in any field (that I won't disclose now) if that's what you want.
Later, I will write more…
Go to bed and stop sobbing now.
Good night!
Team Bio-tales got curious about what Alka Kumari meant about the distinction between a “researcher” and a “scientist”. Below is a conversation with Alka Kumari regarding the same.
Certainly! For someone like me, words keep looping in my head. From my background, studying science was the only path that allowed me to continue my education; otherwise, it meant getting married. So, I focused on my studies, working hard to become a scientist. The concept of "research" was unfamiliar, so I never realized what being a researcher meant.
Alka, you mentioned in your letter that you've shifted from wanting to be a 'scientist' to seeing yourself as a 'researcher.' Can you tell me what you mean by this?
​When I started my master's at JNU, I became friends
with people from social sciences and arts. That was the first time I heard the term "researcher." I wondered why people in social science used the term "researcher" and how they differed from me.
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I realized they had greater freedom to explore, experiment, question and develop their own methodologies, whereas, in our lab-based research environment, we had to follow strict and predetermined protocols and take notes from older notebooks compiled by seniors. There was very little space for productive engagement with “errors” or “mistakes”; any failure was judged or redone immediately. This made me feel that I could never be good enough to
be a scientist.
When did you realise what ‘being a researcher’ meant?
Click on the play button to listen to Alka speaking!
STEM research doesn't allow me to try new things or really experiment. It is a very strict place where I have to follow rules instead of cultivating a healthy sense of curiosity.
​
So, to allow myself more freedom and be able to explore things, I decided to call myself a researcher instead of a scientist and it really turned things around for me.
Absolutely, I believe it's possible to develop unique methodologies in science. Techniques like PCR and CRISPR were made from innovative approaches. Every experiment protocol we follow was created by someone. However, due to insufficient funding, the competitive nature of science, and the race to publish papers, our Indian institutions often lose sight of curiosity-driven, methodology-developing, process-driven research. Instead, they tend to replicate existing methods in new systems and label it as “novel” research.
Do you think it is
possible to bring the “researcher” attitude to science? developing one’s own methodology, for instance?
I think this experience
sounds
familiar!
Yes, I have also conducted some experiments out of curiosity (which I can't disclose) and achieved promising results. However when I shared these with my supervisor, they acknowledged their potential but insisted that we must prioritize experiments relevant to our ongoing paper. They suggested keeping this work for later, but I doubt whether that 'later' will arrive within my PhD period. Haha!
Have you tried
doing this in your own work?
Well, I've observed that biology research, especially within academic institutions, often prioritizes publication and grant acquisition. This can sometimes lead to a focus on proving the original hypothesis, even if the results suggest a different, even more promising, direction.
Ahh, okay. Why
do you think this to be the case?
Yes, I do believe that research in STEM
fields often prioritizes hypothesis-driven approaches over curiosity and process-driven exploration. This can make the research environment very rigid. For example, a friend of mine is working on a project in cancer cells. Even though they are facing significant challenges in isolating these cancer cells, they feel pressured to continue with the project because it's a highly sought-after topic in the field and aligns with grant funding opportunities.
So are you saying
that the nature of the research is hypothesis driven, making it less flexible?
Yes. I remember
reading this headline in The Onion (a digital news platform that publishes satirical news) 'gay gene isolated, and ostracized'.
Firstly, I started seeing my work through a critical lens. I have noticed that it is very easy for us to get defensive when we present a high-impact research report. But while doing so, I remind myself to keep an open mind and assess work critically, regardless of the author's prestige. It's crucial to keep in mind that not all information found in textbooks or research papers is reliable. For example, medical textbooks once classified being gay as a disease, and many scientists tried to find a "gay gene"! This is absurd and highlights the narrow-mindedness of those who use science to uphold orthodox and patriarchal values.
What are the
strategies you’ve developed to maintain a sense of curiosity, creativity, and openness amidst academic pressures?
I am passionate about creating a supportive environment
for students in STEM academia. It bothers me that mental health challenges are often dismissed as mere stress, which can harm student well-being. Through my work on the department's mental health advisory committee, we discovered that 10-12% of students are struggling with significant mental health issues.
When we presented this data to the professors, some of them expressed relief that the majority of students were not experiencing severe depression! I was shocked that they were not showing any concern for the small number of students that were facing mental health issues. It became very clear that there is a necessity to cultivate a more empathetic and proactive environment within STEM academia.
How can the laboratory culture change for the better?
In our lab, I'm trying to foster open communication through casual lunches and encouraging labmates to share their concerns both personal and professional. A lab should be a welcoming space where people feel comfortable being themselves. To this end, I also pushed my department officials to have gender neutral restrooms within the premises.
Absolutely. And what are the steps that you have been taking in that direction?
It's very important to think away from the
traditional professor-student dynamic. Professors can significantly impact student well-being by simply asking about their overall well-being before discussing projects.
These are very important initiatives. I hope they sustain. How do you think senior scientists can support younger researchers?
I feel that promoting a healthy work-life balance is also essential. I have observed many students often ignore their health in pursuit of results. Encouraging activities outside the lab and prioritizing sleep and proper eating habits can significantly improve overall well-being. I also share time management strategies with colleagues to ensure everyone gets enough rest.
Anything else?
Illustrations by Ipshita
Firstly, I started seeing my work through a
critical lens. I have noticed that it is very easy for us to get defensive when we present a high-impact research report. But while doing so, I remind myself to keep an open mind and assess work critically, regardless of the author's prestige. It's crucial to keep in mind that not all information found in textbooks or research papers is reliable. For example, medical textbooks once classified being gay as a disease, and many scientists tried to find a "gay gene." This is absurd and highlights the narrow-mindedness of those who use science to uphold orthodox and patriarchal values.
Thank you Alka, for
all these important insights into making the culture of biological sciences in India more exciting and welcoming for young researchers!
About Alka
Alka Kumari (they/them), a non-binary, queer individual on the spectrum, finds joy in the kitchen and exploring the world on foot. They are currently pursuing a PhD at IISc.
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From Biological Sciences to Critical Studies of Science: A Journey
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"This collage aims to present the elements of my journey from being a trained biologist to pursuing research in critical science studies presently. By including details from laboratory work that are seldom overlooked, and juxtaposing them with elements of critical science studies that constitute my current motivation, I aim to give a glimpse into what compelled me to undergo this shift."
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